Trouble With Boxes
by I-Tried-To-Fix-You
Summary: Edward Cullen is a fearless and powerful vampire, but what is his one true weakness? Follow Edward in his discovery of what he can never defeat. One-shot. Rated T for language. Pretty OOC.


**AN: This is pretty OOC, seeing as the Cullens do not behave like this. There is also way more swearing than normal. Basically, you just shouldn't give my friend or me coffee...Beware.**

**Troubles with Boxes**

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, called Forks, Washington, a normal human girl and her vampire sweetheart were sitting in his living room…

Bella was sitting at Edward's side on one of the couches, attempting to open a box of Mike and Ikes. "Edward?" she asked, gazing at the angelic vampire.

"Yes, love?" He looked at the average pale boring human being.

"Could you open this for me?" she questioned, sweetly, gesturing to the box of candy, "I suck at opening things."

_Pssh_, he thought. _Can I open it? What kind of wimp does she think I am? I'll show her my manly man vampire muscles. _"Sure, darling." He grabbed the box while rolling his eyes, and pulled lightly on the plastic covering of the box (flexing a little bit too much).

But, what was this? The box didn't budge! _What the hell? _He tugged again, this time with slightly more force. _This is outrageous!! I am a VAMPIRE, goddamnit!! _He pulled and tore at the flimsy clear covering, with obvious difficulty.

"Maybe I should go get Alice…" Bella attempted to get up, worried about her boyfriend's sanity.

"NO!! No, no, no, it's fine." He smiled, reassuringly (quite terrifyingly, actually), before placing his attention back in the box's metaphorical hands. He leaned in, looking directly at it, and whispered, "Listen to me you little plastic son of a bitch, you are going to OPEN, OKAY?!" The box laughed in his face, "You will never win Cullen, NEVER!! MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!" Edward glared at the box, cursing its tenacious dexterity. Bella looked at him, wondering why he was glaring at an inanimate object. She scooted farther away from him, backing to the other end of the couch. In all of her months of knowing him, she had never been this frightened.

"Edward, I have to go to the bathroom…" she whispered, starting to get up in hope that she could escape before the screaming started.

"SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, WOMAN!!" he screamed. She obeyed, wondering if Edward had actually been the one in the insane asylum, rather than Alice. He thrashed with the box, making it seem like it was actually wrestling him.

"I WILL OPEN YOU!!" Edward howled, ripping at it with his vampiric teeth. When that didn't work, he gripped it with his bare feet and tore at it with both his teeth and his hands.

"GASP! OH NO YOU DI-INT!" the box shrieked in Edward's mind, as the plastic finally peeled away.

"YES!" Edward screamed to the heavens,"I HAVE CONQUERED THE IMPOSSIBLE!! I AM God!!" He handed the box back to Bella, feeling very productive and manly, indeed. "Here you go, honeypie."

Bella accepted the box, examined it, and sighed. "Oh, dear lord."

"What's wrong?!" Edward exclaimed. "I did it!!" She cautiously handed it back to him, and ran out of the room.

"YOU DIDN'T OPEN THE BOX!" He heard the front door slam, as he continued to stare blankly at the candy. Her car screeched away (well, as fast as it could go), before he comprehended.

"WHAT!?"

**All hell cut loose.**

The center of the earth exploded with Edward's cry of fury. Volcanoes erupted, tsunamis arose, and Edward screamed some more. The end of the world had come...again...

"SON OF A FUCKING BITCH WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LITTLE FUCKER GOD DAMNIT I HATE YOU!!" The stream of unrecognizable profanity continued on, before he screamed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He pulled the box by both ends. The box then decided to torture our dear insane vampire further, by ripping down the middle, flinging candy to the depths of the room.

Edward's eye twitched.

"AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"ROAR!" he said, flinging the nearest heavy expensive thing, which just so happened to be a bowling ball at Emmett's new flat screen TV.

"Don't-" Alice shouted, running into the room as the bowling ball sailed into the television's core, "Never mind," she sighed, turning on her heel and strutting out.

"My baby!!" Emmett's cry of pure agony ripped through the newfound silence, while Edward fumed angrily. "Why the hell would you-"

"It wouldn't open." Edward explained, creepily calm for a situation like this. "It just WOULDN'T open…"

"But!" Emmett attempted to protest…

"DON'T fuck with me, Emmett." Edward held up his index finger and silenced him, casually mingling through the rubble and out of the room. The family and a giant mutated hamster, spitting fireballs (formally a sign of the apocalypse), stared at him.

Esme sighed and got the broom out of the closet, not needing to open the door, for there was no door…anymore, that is. The rest of the strange family walked outside, clearly used to this kind of behavior, and gazed at the world. The sky was bleeding, trees were upside down, and gnomes frolicked around merrily.

"So…" Jasper said, easing the tension with his unusual power, "What are we doing tomorrow?"


End file.
